Gahh…
It’s so hard to be quiet when I want to shout. It’s so hard to keep my peace when I want to wake the dead. Sing, jump around, yell it, throw things…anything…but be quiet and reserved. I’m learning something, I guess…patience…but patience is the hardest lesson to learn. At least for now.
Read any psalm where David calls out to God for deliverance from an enemy that hunts him ceaselessly. He calls out in desperation, crying for peace and justice. How does one feel, however, when that battle of wills is internal, mental, and fought on abstract ground? Helpless, hopeless, and unable to go to others for help…basically the same, I suppose. No one but God to cry out to, and plead for relief.
Thoughts are thoughts, until they become words. Once a thought is voiced, it no longer retains its innocence, secrecy, or purity. It has become subject to any and all limits and restrictions this world has to shackle it with…and now I’m just blabbing. By all means, read on in my fruitless, mindless ramblings.
Here’s the main objective: Make it through tomorrow without breaking down and ruining everything. Make it through tomorrow without saying a word. Struggle on, praying for God’s grace, that in place of irrational emotion, my heart would be filled with the comfort of knowing that HE IS ALL. And maybe…just maybe…that fulfillment will encompass later what needs to leave my head right now.
High five to anyone who understands what I’m talking about.
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