GENESIS
– This is something I would consider, but only if he kinda looked like Leonard Nimoy.
LEVITICUS
– Probably get shortened to Levi. He would be wearing the pants in the household.
DEUTERONOMY
– A possibility, only because “Deut” or Deute” looks awesome on paper. Also, rhymes with “Neuter a zombie”.
JOSHUA
– Pretty common name. Also a very cool dude in the Bible.
JUDGES
– I would totally name my kid Judge. Not kidding. He’d have a normal middle name, like Phillip, and then everyone would have to call him Judge Phillip. Whoever said “with great power comes great responsibility” never met a kid with a name like this.
SAMUEL
– I would consider this name only if the kid keeps waking me up at night. And only if it’s for a good reason.
KINGS
– See “Judges”, but better.
CHRONICLES
– Shortened to “Chron”. He would usher in the Great Robot Revolution.
ESTHER
– A little overused. Maybe if shortened to “Este” of “Ther”. No lisping, please.
SONG OF SOLOMON
– Forget Solomon…the girl would get the name “Song”, but only if she resembles Judy Garland. Just…don’t ask.
LAMENTATIONS
– This is for purely ironic purposes. Maybe if the kid’s got an extra limb. Or it smells funny.
HABAKKUK
– Only on the condition that his name is directly followed by a derisive laugh.
MATTHEW
– Well, duh.
MARK
– Another solid name. Probably if he has a square jaw.
LUKE
– Okay, let’s just say all the gospel names.
JOHN
– Yeah.
ACTS
– Okay, call me crazy, but “Axe” is a freaking awesome name. In fact, one of my kids is gonna get named Axe. If you steal it before then, I’m suing you.
ROMAN
– Again, square jaw.
CORINTHIANS
– Cor. It’s from Chronicles of Narnia. It’s a great name. Deal with it, hobo.
GALATIANS
– Yes, her name would be Gala, and she would be the most loveliest bride.
COLOSSIANS
– See, the New Testament offers many strong, manly, square-jawed names. Like Colossus.
TIMOTHY
– See “Gospels”.
PHILEMON
– This one might need a derisive laugh as well, unless it’s shortened to Phil. King Phil.
HEBREWS
– Yes, I would name my kid Hebrew. You would take him to baseball games, teach him the value of money, and have long arguments with him during Bible studies.
JAMES
– Just a pretty sweet name. Like John. James John. Johnny James. Jamesy John. Or just James.
PETER
– Same as the Gospels and James and Timothy.
JUDE
-Must either be a diehard Beatles fan (ingrained from conception on) or very ugly.
REVELATION
– Now, while “Rev” is more of a nickname, it also has some social power, like Judge or King. However, placing the names “Jesse” or “Jackson” after it would be a bad idea. He would always get what he wants, and never understand the true value of anything. This is just the way it is, I guess…
TOTALLY AWESOME NAME – FINAL SCOREBOARD
– Axe Cor
– Deute Chron
– Genesis John
– King John
– Judge John
– Esther Song
– Gala Rev
WINNER – AXE CHRON REV
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