“Once upon a time, there lived a man named Harold. Harold was 46, blonde, had 20/20 vision, and was enormously fat. Everyone made fun of him for being fat, and he could be spotted from up to three miles away, even if he was in his house. He was so fat, in fact, that he took to carrying all his belongings in his jacket, just so he didn’t have to walk back home whenever he needed something. One day, after tying a full set of clothes, six meals, a goat, a television, a pair of slippers, his kitchen, and a wrench set around his waist, he set off to his cousin’s for the day. However, all the weight around his shoulders quickly wore away at his own body weight, and he rapidly lost his bulky pounds. As his belt loosened, the items he was carrying began to drop off as well, and littered the ground behind him as he stumbled forth, intent on reaching his cousin’s. When he arrived, his cousin ran out to greet him, and discovered Harold lost everything. Except, of course, the kitchen sink.”
“Once upon a time, Amanda Gaime lived in a town by the sea. Amanda was very ugly. Her eyes were ugly, her face was ugly, her hair was ugly, and even her mom was ugly. All the children in the town would call her names, and yet, in the many years of torment, not one of them could accurately describe just how very ugly Amanda Gaime was. They had compared her to various farm animals, insects, tree knots, and even a dead whale wrapped in seaweed and half-eaten by sharks. Then, one day, a young boy named Johnny was soaking his feet in a stream, and had fallen asleep. When he woke up and stood, he had to look twice before he ran into town yelling, ‘A foot! A foot! The Gaime is a foot!’ ”
“Once upon a time, there lived the greatest chef ever. This chef was known worldwide for his amazing desserts, his fine seafood platters, and his exquisite lamb roasts. He served foods from all over the world, and all who ate his meals wished never to leave. This chef thought himself invincible, and, despite the irony of his claim to his French descent, he was indeed near impossible to faze. However, one evening, a family came into his restaurant with two very sickly children, and ordered the supreme lasagna. They asked the waiter to leave out the cheese, as their children were lactose intolerant and would get very ill. The waiter knew the chef would be furious about the cheese request, and warned them about it, but they insisted on the lasagna, so he meekly informed the chef. Several seconds later, the indignant chef marched out to the family, scowled deeply, and inquired, ‘No whey? Who say!?’ ”
“Once upon a time, the world was populated by rodents. Beavers, mice, chipmunks, squirrels, ferrets, moles…they all were assembled in tribes that roamed the earth in search of the Largest Berry. These bands were ruled by the strongest tribe, known as the Huns, and peace was relatively constant under their authority. Then, one day, after the Squirrel leader of the Huns had resigned and given his leadership powers to the Vole, a large rebel squad of weasels attacked, throwing the community into chaos and killing the new Vole leader. The tribe heads quickly began looking for a replacement, but after two weeks of fruitless search, they wound up right back at Squirrel Hun.”
“Once upon a time, in the land of Laws, there lived a man named Quero. Quero had many enemies, for he was a known assassin, and could slaughter anybody with anything you could find. (Once, he killed a man with his own nose.) Before long, Quero was sent to murder the king of a small city on the edge of the map. Quero did so, but since the king was so evil, instead of retribution, the occupants immediately hailed him as their new sovereign. Quero decided to give up his job as an assassin, and settled down to rule in peace and bliss, and the citizens were happy with their new king. But Quero’s greatest enemy, known as Thomas Theckit, tracked the ex-assassin to the city and slaughtered him in his sleep. But while escaping, he accidentally alerted the guards, and was captured. Found guilty the next day of Quero’s death, he was hung, drawn, and quartered; and that is the story of how Quero’s city killed Theckit.”
“Once upon a time, there was a man who was always on time. This man never missed his engagements, never arrived too late or too early, and always came prepared and ready to help. Then, one day, this man got married, and was never on time to anything else for the remainder of his days. This proves that behind every late man, there is a late woman.”
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