Board room, posters of cereal mascots line walls, everything is upbeat and bright. Mid-1900’s. Well-dressed executives sit at table. Man enters room with large pad of drawing paper and an easel.
Dave: Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce our new cereal line. I don’t have much to show of the cereal, but we are able to show a nice colorful package design Mark was able to throw together really quick for the presentation. Thanks Mark.
Mark nods, adjusts crotch
Dave: Alright, we’re calling it “Lucky Charms”. It’s a cereal for kids ages three through seventeen, and it is worth literally tens of thousandths of what we’re charging for it.
Room applauds, someone is crying
Richard: strokes mustaches, nods approvingly That’s pretty steep, Dave. How are we planning on implementing that?
Dave: grinning, hands open We put marshmallows in the cereal.
Room gasps, people whispering
Alex: Um, is that ethical?
Laura: Who’s going to buy it?
Eric: It sounds delicious, and also disturbing.
Dave: Okay, bear with me here. What is something that is all around us, in nearly everything, and is extremely light?
Alex: The Force!
Eric: The government?
Laura: An impending sense of worthlessness?
Richard: grabs nose Ugh, Mark!
Mark shrugs, sniffs finger
Dave: Air!
Room quiets, stares at Dave
Alex: So we aren’t putting toy lightsabers in the cereal boxes?
Dave: No, listen: We’re selling people air. Sure, there’s some cereal in there. Maybe an eighth of the bag. The rest is air and marshmallows, which…are mostly air.
Laura: But who’s gonna buy it?
Dave: At least every parent with no control of their kids.
Alex: whispers to Laura Peter calls me “The Cash Machine”.
Dave: Holds up box The box is huge and red. Absolutely enormous. Colors everywhere. You can’t miss it. Kids definitely can’t.
Mark: Red is a color!
Dave: And red makes people hungry. Science!
Richard: A big red box–
Mark: With an insultingly-Irish-stereotype leprechaun!
Laura: I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Eric: shakes head Nope.
Dave: And for the ads, he runs away with the cereal and kids have to hunt him down with spoons to get it back.
Richard: I’m still not seeing how this is a good idea–
Dave: TAMMY!
A woman enters the room in a white lab coat and thick glasses. She is carrying a poptart and a child.
Tammy: Puts the child in a chair, holds the poptart out to it You want it?
Child: reaches for it
Tammy: You can’t have it. I have it. Fakes running away
Child chases Tammy around the table
Tammy: No! It’s mine! You have to catch me first! Runs out the door, child crying, reaching for poptart.
Door closes. Everyone is stunned.
Richard: wide-eyed Well I’m sold.
Laura: Get the kids crying–
Eric: …Parents will buy them anything.
Laura: It’s genius.
Alex: We wield enormous power. We must use it wisely.
Richard: How much are you thinking this will cost?
Dave: smiling A million dollars.
Richard: Ooh, we might wanna workshop that a bit.
Mark nods
Cuts to store shelves covered with boxes of Lucky Charms, price tags say “$999, 994.86”
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