Recently I’ve been wrestling with a thought I’ve always ignored or assumed to be incorrect, but which has taken hold of my heart and mind in a very real and unfortunate way. It goes something like this:
I might never be fully happy from anything I do, become, or take part in.
This isn’t defeatist or depressed thinking. It’s fully aware speculation based on historic data, coupled with self-observation and an understanding of how life seems to work around me. Okay, so I’m mildly narcissistic. Did the giant photo of me on the homepage not give that away? Or the daily blog where I talk about myself?
Listen. So I think I have something here. Let’s say I wanted to move to another state. I’d pack my things, climb into my car, and drive until I feel asleep. I’ve already done it four times. Only the last time I did moved like that, it wasn’t all about me.
If you suddenly inherited 100 million dollars, what would make you happier: putting it in the bank, or splitting it with your friends and family?
It’s not a rhetorical question. I honestly want to know how this works, what other humans think, and if I’m the outsider here. For now, I can’t imagine a fulfilling life lived for the sake of living.
Give me a reason to live.
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