Have I peaked? Have I reached a milestone of dad-ity, where everything I say is vague, and my non-existent kids automatically tune me out? “Oh, it’s dad droning on again about existentialism and his personal political misgivings. He’ll stop talking when his life-giving farts run out.”

Look, okay, fine. The more specific I get, the harder it is to maintain a public blog that anyone can read. I could discuss people I know and how I may or may not feel about them, but when did gossip ever help anyone? I could catalog my unique foody experiences around L.A.’s most secret alleys and culverts, but none of that has or will ever happen(ed). And no, I refuse to sit down and curate a self-help manual. A daily blog where I don’t try to work out my most personal struggles and mental acrobatics in a public arena is hardly worth the effort, no?

Sit down and shut up. Apparently I have things to say.

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Then the next half went something like this: “Have you ever heard of an app called ‘Waze‘?”

Of course I’d heard of it. I first used it when I moved to Baltimore, Maryland in 2014 and was completely unfamiliar with the area. After following it a few times for my commute, I got used to the drive and multiple routes, and reserved it for long-distance journeys to Raleigh, NC or Melbourne, FL. It also did little to help with my drive, other than show accidents and provide games to play on road trips. Did you tag the construction zone? Has that street been reported yet? My avatar has a sword now!

Then I moved to California, and an app that provides real-time traffic updates and live routing through unheard-of neighborhoods to get you home the fastest way possible became an invaluable asset. The massive, maddening backups of LA traffic becomes easier to navigate and avoid. I’ve routinely turned a 45-minute commute into a 25-minute Speedway 500 just by following the directions of a free app on my phone. Eat your heart out, Garmin.

Then it started getting weird.

Let me guide you through today’s drive back home, from Sherman Oaks to Miracle Mile:

Oh Waze, you clever mobile application, what would I do without you? There’s traffic on the 10? Yes, let’s take Laurel Canyon, it’s a tremendously fun road to drive. You know me so well, Waze!

Oh, we’re diverting again? To Mulholland? I’ve never gone this way…well, ought to be fun! Wow! I can see Universal Overlook! And the homes are amazing! Except…now I’m driving through someone’s backyard, Waze. Where are we? Is this…is this Skid Row? Why am I crossing main roads of traffic at rush hour on a Friday? These are stop signs, Waze!

Now I know where I am! Okay…wait, why are you diverting me again? My house is right over…WHAT? No! I’m…”run over a cop”? I’m not doing that! Waze, you’ve gone insane with power! I’m going home! Hey, who are you? YOU’RE WAZE!? No, I’m not getting out of the car! You can’t have my jacket, and I don’t have a motorcycle… No, stop, I’m not Sarah Connor! AGHHHH AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH

Needless to say, Ill be traveling down roads I’m familiar with from now on. People have had their commutes for a hundred years, and if the tech isn’t there yet, I won’t bee changing my lifestyle (and possibly the future of humanity’s) just yet.

Thanks for the memories, Waze. It’s been…awkward.

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