It’s strange that I’d be satisfied sitting around anywhere, doing nothing, yet here we are. It’s comfort and control, peace and power. We are together to be whole, and now we find ourselves whole. Can I complain?

This is a good life. I’m excited to see what happens next.

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I’m not. I’ve gone away for a while. I might be back soon, but I wouldn’t count on it. It’s been a long time, actually– far too long to be a “Vacation”, or a “Pause”, or even a “Break”. Sometimes, I think back to when I was there, and remember looking forward to being gone. On occasion, I will feel whimsical, or nostalgic. In my memory, I will re-visit those moments and dwell for a long time upon them, pondering what was said, or done, tracing back a twinge of emotion to a specific occurrence, until all time slowly fades away.

It is in these times of reflection that I find myself a proud, dignified, and abundantly opinionated sort of person, adequately stocked with formidable yet polished ammunition for any arising disagreements, and blessed with the unassuming disposition to care little for using it. My radiant air of natural repose cools the hot-headed, calms the nervous, and quiets the unreasonable. I emanate peace.

Bring me your poor and starving. Convey your angry and sick to me en route.  Commit your meek and simple to my care.

I sympathize. I comfort. I heal. I am, in all ways, a man of Peace.

Because I do not allow war.

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Whenever I think there’s the possibility of understanding something, the concept itself is swept away in a big, tumbling river of doubt. Whenever there might be something solid to grab onto, it disappears at the last moment, and I’m left with an outstretched arm and less hope. One after another, the fortresses I’ve built crumble. Solid becomes liquid. Liquid becomes vapor. And now, I have nothing left to hide behind.

So come on in, God! Fill me up again! I’ve been thirsty and breathless and gasping and hopeless and empty and restless and now I need You to come back into my heart and show me how to live again.

I dive into Your Word, and my Faith is renewed. I praise Your name to the skies, and Hope returns. I lift up my eyes to the hills, where Your help and peace and Love rest, and the reason I’m living comes back into focus, clear and bright and waiting.

I will climb those hills, and touch Your face. I will run towards Your Love, and not grow weary. And when I reach You again, I will collapse into Your arms, and be assured, once again, that You hold me forever.

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.”

Psalm 42:1

Thank You, Lord God.

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When I can’t find assurity
And suddenly I’m lost
I will surely look to God
And count the cost.

As Hopelessness sits and sinks
As Worry stalks and pounces
As Despair grabs hold of me
To throw me to the ground

When the chill of Fear has seized my heart
As bitter as a frost
I will seize upon my God
And count the cost.

The Peace of His assurance
Amply warms my freezing bones
I am wrapped in blankets comforting
And held within His arms.

Then will I lift my head again
To face what tests me most
With God to guide me forth
I count the cost.

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So watching this gorgeous dancer, this beauty, jump and twirl across my monitor in joyous Grace, I am given, yet again, Grace sufficient. And I will carry on.

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Please calm the storm that makes my head spin and fly off, leaving my body lacking control.

Please ease the ache in my heart that screams “More! More! MORE!”

Please hold out Your hand and take hold of me, and show me that when I feel this “need” for a deeper relationship with someone, it is because I lack a real relationship with You.

Please inhabit my soul and fill me with your Peace.

Please show me that if I fear, it is because I do not trust You.

Please reassure me that everything is in Your hands, and that I can wait if You are with me.

Please Lord…be with me.

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I mean, people spend their whole lives backbiting and abusing their way to the top of the food chain, and after they’ve reached the top, they slide back down into stagnation because someone with a grudge can beat them up. And then there are the people who live the quiet life, content to be who they are and know what they know, and die without ever having done anything special. Well, congratulations! If you can live a life like that, more…err, less power to you!

I don’t know why, but I’m not content to be quiet. I have no plans of settling down and being “Mr. Chimento, Boring Extraordinaire!” I feel like I have more to live for than a desk job and a couple of kids. More than a 9-to-5 and church every Sunday. I want to have a family. I WANT to provide for them. But very strongly pushing its way out of my soul is a beast discontent with standard society. And what sort of life has a checklist like, “Walk in the footsteps of the Apostle Paul”, and “Start a Revolution in America”? I have no ideas yet. I have no reason to feel like I’m meant for more. But I do. And I feel it so strongly, that it’s hard to not lay down what I’m sort of dreading doing, and immediately hop a plane to nowhere in particular (despite the fact I’m totally broke).

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Well, if he takes away the restlessness for a few years, I wouldn’t mind it at all. But since I’m living with this constant, tiny nagging in my heart, I refuse to be anything other than seen and spoken. If I’m going to UCF this next semester, I will not accept staying in the background, in whatever I do. If I have to get a basic, anybody-who’s-nobody job, I refuse to work it and not be noticed. And the only way I’ll ever do this is if GOD is BIGGER than me, and LIVES WITHIN me, and BOILS OUT of me, and SHOWS the WORLD that a CHRISTIAN who LOVES HIM can make a lot of noise, bring God to millions, and not be moved or shaken.

Can I do that? Can I humble myself to nothing but an outer shell, and let God take over? If so, through Him, I can accomplish anything.

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This aspiration is the foothold for our landing,
As the landing comes about through will and strength.
Will is channeled from our heart’s desire
And strength combines our will with God’s own breath.

As we land, our will is cracked
And strength leaves quicker than it came.
We cry for help, for love, for hope-
And God pours out sweet comfort on our pain.

Comfort is from His abounding Grace
That of our sin, He gives us salvation.
Grace is wrought from Glory, and from Love
For without Love, all of us are nothing.

This Love and Grace, they give us peace
Peace of heart and mind, and rest in Him.
Glory covers us, and picks us up
To carry on in everlasting Hope.

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Now that I have no time left for, well, anything so depressing…NOW I admit how shamefully lost I am. God is here, and I am not. And it’s not just my relationship with the Lord that has fallen. It’s my relationships with everybody. I have alienated myself from the world, and sit on the sidelines, cynically gazing in on its dealings, with little to no feeling for anything. I’ve numbed my mind, numbed my conscience, and now I’ve got the overwhelming feeling of having no time left. And on top of a lack of relationships, there’s the weight of a woman crushing my skull in, sitting on my mind night and day, and not going away.

Aww, how cute. He’s got a little mushy-mushy on someone. It’ll go away.

Yah, I wish. I’ve been saying that for two years. What do you do when the situation warrants silence, the friendship is at stake if a move is made, but you feel like throwing caution to the winds, shouting it out in the streets, and telling everyone you know how cool you feel? I found the answer: Keep your mouth shut, tell no one, and deal with it. And the comfort I can give myself is that, well, it’s the hardest thing to do, and therefore, it must be the best way to go. I feel no remorse. Only that nagging mental and physical longing for something more. I DON’T NEED THIS NOW! I need to worry about God! I need to focus on school! I need to make enough money to support a family first! I need to grow up! I need to get a life!

I’m stressing out, I guess. Cleaning house this current semester, and freaking about how much is left to do, doesn’t go well with 1) No money, and 2) No time. It’s NOW that I need God, and I can’t put Him off. It’d just be really nice if He’d wipe some stuff out of my head first…at least for now.

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As it reared its head
And subjugated you
To its never-ending
Hypocritic ridicule –

And watched as you spiraled out
Into spatial nothingness:
You raised your hands in agony,
Cried out for saving Grace.

A hand caught you
And broke your fall
That deadly self-pity
Beyond self-helping all

You would not accept His grip
As He held you in His Love and Faith
So He set you back upon your feet
And watched you turn and walk away.

He followed after
Walked beside
You would not stop
And allow His aid;

So He let you try to walk yourself
In your focused stupidity
To see you fall again and again
Spelled of pride and morbid naivety.

The demon returned
To haunt your dreams
And kick you back
To your former graves.

And God watched as you went on
Down that wide, well-travelled path
With a demon on your back, and one at your feet
Tripping you all the way to hellish wrath.

Love turns to wrath
But not until the end;
You can still redeem
What you purposely forgot.

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