Have I peaked? Have I reached a milestone of dad-ity, where everything I say is vague, and my non-existent kids automatically tune me out? “Oh, it’s dad droning on again about existentialism and his personal political misgivings. He’ll stop talking when his life-giving farts run out.”

Look, okay, fine. The more specific I get, the harder it is to maintain a public blog that anyone can read. I could discuss people I know and how I may or may not feel about them, but when did gossip ever help anyone? I could catalog my unique foody experiences around L.A.’s most secret alleys and culverts, but none of that has or will ever happen(ed). And no, I refuse to sit down and curate a self-help manual. A daily blog where I don’t try to work out my most personal struggles and mental acrobatics in a public arena is hardly worth the effort, no?

Sit down and shut up. Apparently I have things to say.

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5. Human Contact can be Simulated with Steamed Vegetables

It sounds absurd, but it was proven by the Carthagians in 1478 B.C. You might enjoy the gentle caress of skin at night, the pleasant aroma of a shared bedroom. However, love is fleeting. People will only hurt you, but the warm, welcoming embrace of celery will never let you down.

4. Babies Are the Worst

Have you ever met a baby? It’s like running into an ex-lover on the sidewalk outside their new lover’s apartment, except the ex-lover is a baby and the new lover is also a baby and the apartment is a diaper filled with poop and the sidewalk is a meaner, flatter baby.

3. No Conversation Doesn’t Have Deeper Meaning

When you are in a relationship, anything they say to you is double, triple, or quadruple entendre. When they ask for a romantic night out, it most likely means they’re cheating on you. “I want a baby” is code for cheating, too. And when you get a call from their salon confirming an appointment, you should always assume that the person calling is the madame at an upscale escort service and calmly tell her she had the wrong number and will die if she calls ever again.

2. Love Makes You Stupid

Maybe you own a nice car, or a restaurant, or maybe it’s a really nice car and you wash it every weekend and whisper quietly to it because you love it so, but then one Friday night someone, I don’t know, say, the person you replaced warm vegetables with, tells you her car is out of gas and can she borrow yours for a trip to the salon, so you say sure and she hugs you and then slowly backs out of the driveway into a street sweeper truck because her messy hair was in her eyes and you punch her in the mouth because you love her but you might love the car more and she leaves for her mother’s but doesn’t even say sorry and then the guy in the truck punches you in the mouth even though she’s the one who backed your car into his truck.

1. The Police Never Want to Just Talk

You answered the door like a gentleman and invited the officer and his attractive female partner into your abode. You even greeted them warmly, as family. Apparently, being hospitable and friendly wasn’t good enough for the fuzz. You aren’t legally obligated to wear clothing in your own house, and so what if you kissed the female cop on the lips and wrapped your legs around her and tried to rip the gun out of her holster? You were going to fire off a salute to the police force!

Well, now your Valentine’s Day is ruined, and they beat you until your face was pulp and handcuffed you to the stove. You can’t reach the vegetables you cooked, you were served with a restraining order, and your car has a dent in the rear fender.

Humans, right? It’s like they aren’t even worth it.

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