Hello.<\/p>\n

In this post, we will explore the wonders of driving on the roads of Florida. There is no better way to experience sheer terror, dread, and horrific insights into your own doom than to drive in Florida. I am personally under the impression than there is a circle of hell itself devoted entirely to this ideal.<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, in order to fully appreciate the experience, it helps to enable yourself with a good understanding of who you’re up against. No one ever went into battle and won without knowing something about their enemy. And that’s exactly who every other driver is in Florida. The ENEMY. So to bolster you with what you need, we will begin by breaking each driver down into a category, a GENUS, if you will.<\/p>\n

The first pairing is between GOOD DRIVERS and BAD DRIVERS. I think you will agree with me that those are rather broad terms, and so I shall categorize further. But first, we will start with a simple statement: There are more BAD drivers than there are GOOD drivers.<\/p>\n

After the broad classifications “Good” and “Bad”, we will further break the list down into lesser categories, or “SPECIES”. These lesser names are given to the individuals who are considered “Good Drivers”. Since I will not dwell at length upon each, a brief description will be assigned instead.<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

The “Speedy Gonzalez”<\/h4>\n

Knows what he wants, where he’s going, and is going to get there, no matter how many times he changes lanes, cuts someone off, or flips the bird at a six-year-old. He is considered a “good driver”, not because he is necessarily a likable person, but because his skills as a driver are extraordinarily heightened to nearly supernatural. Please get out of his way.<\/em><\/p>\n

The “Steady As She Goes”<\/h4>\n

This sort of person could leave their house feeling murderous, suicidal rage. But as soon as they begin driving, an aura of sainthood appears to glow around and emanate from them. They float lazily across the roads, never going more than a mile over the speed limit, slowing to a stop a good distance from the light or sign, so as not to put unwelcome wear on their brakes. They wave happily when merging into traffic, smile as you pass them, laugh at funny bumper stickers, and generally have a good time. While splendid drivers, do not depend on them to get somewhere on time, unless you leave fifteen minutes before Mapquest tells you to.<\/em><\/p>\n

“The Frustrated One”<\/h4>\n

These poor folks. While not as good a driver as a “Speedy Gonzalez” or “Steady As She Goes”, this person will be a passable replacement of the below. They cannot keep up with “Speedy”, but are too fast for “Steady”, so they languish in a prison of good and bad drivers, alternating between lanes because of poor luck or faulty decision-making. They bang the wheel in hopeless chagrin, bound to their fate behind “Slowpoke” in Priuses. They probably have better driving skills; they just may never have the opportunity to show them off.<\/em><\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

The following is a horrifying vision of what hell will be if any are foolish enough to go there. Be warned. This list is not for the faint or fool of heart. Or anyone living in New England.<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

The “Speed Monkey”<\/h4>\n

A dangerous, volatile version of a “Speedy Gonzalez”. This person believes they are good drivers, when, in fact, they possess the eye- and foot-coordination of a drunken ape. This person will swerve, cut off, tailgate, blow through red lights, and generally endanger the entire world with their existence. To them, every car is a moving, annoying cone in between them and a gigantic mound of cash. Which is ironic, because they are usually only going to the clothes store or the law firm. When you see one pulled over by a policeman, smile to yourself and gloat in the sweet, sweet hand of justice.<\/em><\/p>\n

The “Slowpoke”<\/h4>\n

This is a molasses-like copy of the “Steady As She Goes”. Also known as “Old Person” or “Floridian”. This person refuses to drive anything but 15 miles under the speed limit. They turn their blinker on sometimes, and leave it on for a solid twenty minutes after. When merging onto the highway, they go no less than 3o miles per hour until the final fifty feet, in which they suddenly speed up to 50 and immediately switch to cruise control. They rarely check their mirrors, sometimes changing lanes into the side of your vehicle. Staring straight ahead, with no perception of depth or road signs, they trickle onwards towards their destination, which we can only assume is a heart attack. Arguably the worst drivers on the face of the planet, next to folks from Massachusetts.<\/em><\/p>\n

The “Wimp”<\/h4>\n

This person is only seen on highways.<\/em><\/em> Also known as a “Leech” or “Parasite”. This sort of person will tailgate your vehicle as you pass slower drivers on the right, and yet, when you pull over in a clear stretch, they will refuse to pass you, instead changing lanes to tailgate you some more. Whenever you speed up past the speed limit, they gleefully follow you too closely, yet refuse to pass you when you slow down. The only way to be rid of this pest is to allow a faster driver to pass you, whereupon the “Wimp” will latch onto them for another speedy ride.<\/em><\/p>\n

The “Passive Aggressive Dirtbag”<\/h4>\n

This is a species you will only glimpse on an interstate.<\/em> Upon merging onto a freeway (normally behind you), they will gradually creep up until they are legitimately tailgating your vehicle. Though, upon your moving to the right lane, they will stay, matching your speed, in the same position they were before, but now in your blind spot. Here they will continue to linger, bothering the living daylights out of you, until you show signs of wanting to pass someone or pull back into the left lane. When they recognize these signs, they will pull up beside your vehicle, and then match your speed, making it impossible to pass the car in front of you or get over in order to turn. This person is a horrendous driver, and the only way to possibly get anywhere around them is to speed as far away from them as quickly as you dare. God help these people in the end times.<\/em><\/p>\n

—<\/em><\/p>\n

You will notice I have left off an important category. Besides “Good Drivers” and “Bad Drivers”, a complete anomaly stands apart. We classify this driver as “Women”. Studies have been done, and while we cannot, in good conscience, say that “Women” are “Good Drivers”, we cannot immediately classify this person as a “Bad Driver”. So they stand apart, forever haunting the roads, causing “Speed Monkey”s and “Steady”s alike to turn their heads and comically run into firetrucks. Because that’s how we do.<\/p>\n

Thanks for reading. Be sure to remember these classifications and deal appropriately with the drivers. Not everyone is out to get you, you know. Just the “Passive Aggressive Dirtbags.” And they’re going to hell, anyway.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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