Ahhhhh….so what now?
Now that I have no time left for, well, anything so depressing…NOW I admit how shamefully lost I am. God is here, and I am not. And it’s not just my relationship with the Lord that has fallen. It’s my relationships with everybody. I have alienated myself from the world, and sit on the sidelines, cynically gazing in on its dealings, with little to no feeling for anything. I’ve numbed my mind, numbed my conscience, and now I’ve got the overwhelming feeling of having no time left. And on top of a lack of relationships, there’s the weight of a woman crushing my skull in, sitting on my mind night and day, and not going away.
Aww, how cute. He’s got a little mushy-mushy on someone. It’ll go away.
Yah, I wish. I’ve been saying that for two years. What do you do when the situation warrants silence, the friendship is at stake if a move is made, but you feel like throwing caution to the winds, shouting it out in the streets, and telling everyone you know how cool you feel? I found the answer: Keep your mouth shut, tell no one, and deal with it. And the comfort I can give myself is that, well, it’s the hardest thing to do, and therefore, it must be the best way to go. I feel no remorse. Only that nagging mental and physical longing for something more. I DON’T NEED THIS NOW! I need to worry about God! I need to focus on school! I need to make enough money to support a family first! I need to grow up! I need to get a life!
I’m stressing out, I guess. Cleaning house this current semester, and freaking about how much is left to do, doesn’t go well with 1) No money, and 2) No time. It’s NOW that I need God, and I can’t put Him off. It’d just be really nice if He’d wipe some stuff out of my head first…at least for now.
Leave a Reply