Here, look at her. Look at how amazing she is. This is definitely a brag. I’m bragging about my wife right now.

She’s everything I need, all the time. She’s my support when I need a solid rock in a shifting day. She lets me be her provider when she’s tired and frustrated and sad. She cares more about me than I do, and tries to keep me alive longer than she should. She’s patient, soft-spoken, humble, caring, and gorgeous. All the time. And what’s constantly amazing to me is how much she loves me. And I know she does, because she shows it. I can’t say the same thing for how I treat her all the time, but she is better to me than I deserve.

You can’t have her. She’s mine. But you CAN be her friend, and she’ll be yours. It’s a solid arrangement.

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Before my phone dramatically passes away, let me offer a conundrum: If artists everywhere proclaim that love is the answer, why are so many artists alone and unhappy?

One suggestion could be that the only way that artist can find such inspiration is to be subjected to such heartache that they are at once in despair for such an event and overcome with inspiration to continue their art.

I used to think it romantic to hold another as my inspiration. Now, I wouldn’t wish such a thing on my enemies.

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If I gained 300 pounds, not only would I be an insufferable, whine-fueled downer until the day I died, but everything remotely redeeming about my personality and humanity would disappear in a cloud of self-loathing and french fries. I would lose motivation to do anything but mope and not have a job. We’d probably become homeless. I would definitely smell worse. So why did she say that?

The same reason I feel the same way about her. When you have a companion in your life, you do everything you can to stay with them.

Of course I’m reading too much into this. Why would I not do that?

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“I have loved you with an everlasting love
I have called you, and you are mine.”

Unless you take communion without first becoming a registered member of the Catholic Church, or you get married outside the Catholic Church’s regulations and traditions, or you break any rules the church holds outside of the Bible’s teachings, or you fail to acknowledge that the Catholic Church is the one true and only way to properly believe in Jesus or adhere to Christianity.

There are a whole lot of rules for being a Christian, apparently. I found out all about it when my wife and I first approached the priests or bishops or whatever they call themselves, and asked what the process was. I was expecting having to learn some catechisms, reaffirm my beliefs, and attend a few masses. I was raised in Christianity, and I thought I knew how this worked.

Apparently, being a Christian isn’t enough to get married as a Catholic. After several rather heated discussions, I learned that the Bible isn’t the latest and greatest word of God, and that since its assembly, many additional manuscripts have added to the requirements put forth by Jesus (who is, by the way, the lynchpin of the entire Christian faith). Now, “believe in me and you will be saved”, “love the Lord God”, and “love your neighbor as yourself” are not enough. And since Catholics own Christianity (I was told this by a priest), they can keep writing more laws and rules and requirements to keep people there.

This isn’t just Catholics, by the way. While most Protestant organizations refuse to lay claim to the faith, most, if not all, have created their own guidebooks and traditions, building upon them until an (often contradictory) wall of doctrine stands between people and God, and the only visible gate involves membership.

Membership? Since when does God require a registration form? In 5 years, will I need to provide my email address and opt out of special promotions and updates? Do I need to log in to leave a comment? How much of my private information is being used to serve me the most personal and relevant advertisements? If I’m to believe the Bible– the book Christians base their beliefs and faith in and upon– Jesus stood on top of a mountain and addressed thousands of people with a set of guidelines, ones that trimmed the Jewish faith from a tangled mess of legalism to a clean, rational, and, at that time, radical rule: Love everyone, and your life and the world around you will be amazing.

But you can’t make money off love like you can with fear. People in the Middle Ages knew this, and they charged peasants for heaven passes. They built churches, wondrous houses of worship across Europe for the sole purpose of taking money in payment of access to God. Now, the exchange of cash is a little less obvious. If you don’t “donate”, or “tithe”, God won’t bless you, and you’ll be an ungrateful person. There are tiers of rewards for donation levels, membership benefits (membership requires monthly donations of a certain size, of course), and the peace of mind to know that you don’t just believe, you are also a true Christian who follows the rules, does what you’re told by the gatekeepers, and will surely be saved.

I’m not mad at people who believe it. I’m mad at the people who keep it going, unquestioningly, and are willing to argue against the simple requirements of Christ, who started this whole thing in the first place. I’ll always get mad when I hear it, and I’ll always argue with a church leader who tries to convince me otherwise.

If belief is not simple, sensible, and free, it is not belief. If eternity hides behind a membership wall, it is a shallow and false eternity. I want no part of it.

Put away your traditions. Throw off the robes and statues and rules and doctrines. Destroy your prejudices in a fire, and hide your opinions in your own home. Love others the way Jesus loved strangers and friends, and treat them with the respect they deserve. No one deserves the current “choices.”

Happy Sunday.

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I used to think that if I thought very hard about my love for someone, and did things that expressed my love, and hoped that my love was understood, that it was what I needed, or wanted. It took awhile, and a lot of hurt, but I can now definitively answer “No.”

Let me ask you (“you” being myself, in this case) a question.

Why would you choose to stay quiet if you are in love? If you truly are, and not just infatuated, or obsessed, or crushing, then you feel a particularly strong way towards that person. Wouldn’t you like them to know that? Shouldn’t they be aware, so that they, and you, may act upon it?

I prefer to say this aloud now. I try to tell my wife that I love her every single day (if it’s anything like this daily blog, I’m failing hard). I tell my family that I love them. I tell my aunts and uncles and cousins and friends whenever possible. It’s not a sign of weakness. It doesn’t make me less of a man. It allows me to show my gratitude for their love towards me.

So if you could choose, will you stay silent for a long time, or will you tell them right away? I’d rather be realistic in my love for others.

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Here is a list of controversial topics we can think about together this weekend, and my own opinions that nobody asked for.

Dallas Shootings

Treating someone differently because of the color of their skin is an outdated and ignorant concept. Shooting people is wrong. Despite the available non-lethal alternatives, police probably resort to guns far more quickly than necessary. “Bomb disposal robot” now means two things.

Olympic Games in Rio

Small, poor countries believe the Olympics will help their economy, enough to make significant investments. Having poop in the water is probably detrimental to that belief.

2016 Presidential Election

I most likely will not be voting this year.

Brexit

As an American, the choices Great Britain makes in its relationship with Europe is only of support for a 200-year-old ally. I should also remember how unpopular a decision our own country’s independence must have been around the world.

The Internet is Ruining Us

For thousands of years, terrible, strange, exciting, joyful things have been happening around the world. Humans have had opinions about those things for just as long.

The difference now is that people can share their opinions much more easily, often in a manipulative and negative fashion. This can cause disproportionate responses to incidents and promote a mob mentality among normally careful people.

It’s easy to react to tragedies by becoming defensive of our own beliefs, or aggressive against others who share different views. Let’s try to remember that if we truly want peace, we need to love people, the same creatures we happen to be. Where you’re from, how you talk, what you look like, doesn’t matter.

Don’t forget to love.

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You are you for a very good reason
Because you are very good in general
And incredibly strong in particular

I don’t know anyone who could do what you do
As often or as determined as you do
Without ceasing to be, in part or in whole, you

Every step we’ve taken up to his moment
Each day we wake up in a strange and exhausting place
These are pieces of you

Your love for your family always
Your frustration with me nearly as much
These traits create beauty in your soul

Each moment I spend with you reminds me
Your love is undeserved, uncompromising
And nothing I have to offer is worthy

My life does not belong to me
Your key is largest in the door of my being
And as long as I can, I will keep it locked.

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Stephen Priest has managed to convince himself he is a failure. So what will convince him he is much more important than he thinks?

A short film starring Dan Chimento and Kalyn Eastman. Original score by Jesse Eastman. Narrated by Michael Eastman.

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In this case, I’m exploring the concept of stressful situations, how they affect different people differently, and why I do my best to avoid them at all costs, in many cases actually causing additional stress to arise because of my decisions.

Professionally, I’m normally solid and collected during stress. I have trained myself to react thoughtfully, usually be writing down my intentions and gathering meaning and working out situations before jumping headlong into the fray.

In my personal life, I detest complicated predicaments. They seem to me a hinderance to relationships, often destroying friendships, ruining lifelong partners, causing sticky circumstances and vague, meandering nowheres for people to wander about in, feeling unsure of themselves. Obviously it’s impossible to completely remove stress from relationships. Of course I can’t have friends without dealing with other flawed human beings. It’s just that staying removed is a protection. And I like feeling protected, especially by myself.

Having a wife, or really anyone in your life who is part of you, changes things. It makes you vulnerable.

You know how Superman has a secret identity so bad guys can’t hurt the people he loves? That applies to anyone, except the bad guys are hurt and mistrust and selfishness.

To love, wholly and truly, is to make yourself vulnerable, weak, open to attack. It’s the possibility of being hurt immensely, of giving a part of yourself to someone and maybe watching it walk away from you forever. It’s terrifying. It’s worth it.

How did I start yammering about love after talking about stress? Because now that I share my life, I have to open myself up to her concerns, her stresses and fears and worries, and take them, in part, upon myself. My life is hers, and hers, mine. For richer or poorer.

May death come swiftly and with great vengeance if this stress does not disappear after two weeks.

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5. Human Contact can be Simulated with Steamed Vegetables

It sounds absurd, but it was proven by the Carthagians in 1478 B.C. You might enjoy the gentle caress of skin at night, the pleasant aroma of a shared bedroom. However, love is fleeting. People will only hurt you, but the warm, welcoming embrace of celery will never let you down.

4. Babies Are the Worst

Have you ever met a baby? It’s like running into an ex-lover on the sidewalk outside their new lover’s apartment, except the ex-lover is a baby and the new lover is also a baby and the apartment is a diaper filled with poop and the sidewalk is a meaner, flatter baby.

3. No Conversation Doesn’t Have Deeper Meaning

When you are in a relationship, anything they say to you is double, triple, or quadruple entendre. When they ask for a romantic night out, it most likely means they’re cheating on you. “I want a baby” is code for cheating, too. And when you get a call from their salon confirming an appointment, you should always assume that the person calling is the madame at an upscale escort service and calmly tell her she had the wrong number and will die if she calls ever again.

2. Love Makes You Stupid

Maybe you own a nice car, or a restaurant, or maybe it’s a really nice car and you wash it every weekend and whisper quietly to it because you love it so, but then one Friday night someone, I don’t know, say, the person you replaced warm vegetables with, tells you her car is out of gas and can she borrow yours for a trip to the salon, so you say sure and she hugs you and then slowly backs out of the driveway into a street sweeper truck because her messy hair was in her eyes and you punch her in the mouth because you love her but you might love the car more and she leaves for her mother’s but doesn’t even say sorry and then the guy in the truck punches you in the mouth even though she’s the one who backed your car into his truck.

1. The Police Never Want to Just Talk

You answered the door like a gentleman and invited the officer and his attractive female partner into your abode. You even greeted them warmly, as family. Apparently, being hospitable and friendly wasn’t good enough for the fuzz. You aren’t legally obligated to wear clothing in your own house, and so what if you kissed the female cop on the lips and wrapped your legs around her and tried to rip the gun out of her holster? You were going to fire off a salute to the police force!

Well, now your Valentine’s Day is ruined, and they beat you until your face was pulp and handcuffed you to the stove. You can’t reach the vegetables you cooked, you were served with a restraining order, and your car has a dent in the rear fender.

Humans, right? It’s like they aren’t even worth it.

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